Top Ten Worst Things About Wrockstock

Fuck Wrockstock.  Why?  I’m about to tell you.  No jump this time, just read.

10. Harry and the Potters have never played at what is supposed to be “the ultimate wizard rock convention” – this is clearly the fault of the staffers.

9. It’s out in the middle of nowhere, so I can’t easily escape to civilization, where they have, you know, hospitals and stuff.

8. It’s not free.

7. It is not located in the state that I live in, and even though it’s in pretty much the most accessible location in North America – halfway across  the continent and close to Canada – it’s still not where I live!

6. There’s almost no corporate sponsorship – how can I know that this event will be of sufficient quality if it is not endorsed by a major corporation?

5. For an event whose name is a pun on Woodstock, there is not nearly enough promiscuous sex and recreational drug use.

4. It’s runs entirely on the blood, sweat, tears, and spunk of a small group of dedicated wrock fans – and that’s really smelly.

3. The Wampum Willow is a terrible idea – I travel halfway across the country only to see the safe bets that I know I will enjoy.  Why would I want to waste my time on someone I’ve never heard of?  After all, if you’ve never heard of a band, the only possible explanation is that they are too crappy to ever show up on your sophisticated music radar.

2. Any leftover profit goes to charities – pussies.

1. NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDSSSSSSSSSSSSS

So, for all of these reasons, I will definitely not be attending this coming November, and you should definitely not consider attending. Regular updates resume next week.

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42 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Abby
    Jul 17, 2010 @ 18:06:24

    OH NO YOU DIT’INT!!!!
    Well… you asked for this… when your mom no longer acknowledges your presence due to the shame you have wrought upon your family, just remember that one time you thought you’d be able to take Wrockstock down, or me for that matter…

    10. Totally my fault. When I was 17, I totally stalked HatP, to the point of them having to take out a restraining order. I was such a huge fan of theirs, I just figured they wouldn’t mind if I hid in the back of the van, only coming out at night to collect stray hairs for my DeGeorge Bros Hair Doll collections.

    9. There’s a federal penitentary in Potosi. They have adequate medical facilities there!!! They well even lower your bill if you agree to wear a mophead like a wig and do the Single Ladies Dance.

    8. We have to charge so much because I am saving up for robot legs and part of Hawaii.

    7. A tender, sweet white boy such as yourself should have no trouble hitchhiking here. Just remember the first rule of the road.

    6. Actually we are sponsored by Slap Chop, inc. You’ll love our nuts! Spaghetti, linguine, martinti, bikini…. Vince will be there for some of the weekend if his probation allows.

    5. Like we said…Vince will be there for some of the weekend if his probation allows. And… we know for a fact that more sex happens at Wrockstock than in all of Outer Mongolia.

    4. Oh that smell? That’s just our upper lips… from last night’s visit with your mom… and your sister. And your granny. And your cat.

    3. The WIllow is were the sex happens. It’s really “the Orgy Room”. The bands that sign up are the unwilling submissives. It’s all a splendidly planned cover for white slavery.

    2. Your face is a charity.

    1. “We are the champions, my friends… and we’ll keep on fighting… to the end… we are the champions, we are the champions… no time for losers, cause we are the champions…. OF THE WORLD.

    Reply

    • wrocksnob
      Jul 17, 2010 @ 18:21:35

      In reply to number seven… “Remember which side of the road to drive on”? Cause that’s what google says when I type in “first rule of the road”. Also, I am amused at your assumption of my demographics.

      Reply

      • Abby
        Jul 17, 2010 @ 18:28:45

        In regards to #7, I suggest you go watch Kevin Smith’s not-quite-as-classic-as-Clerks film, “Dogma”. Look for George Carlin’s scene specifically.
        And you don’t have to be a tender, sweet white boy. That’s just how I envsion you… all pink-cheeked and vulnerable.
        *pinches your cheeks*

        Reply

        • Abby
          Jul 17, 2010 @ 21:45:32

          OMG. I was making dinner and not paying attention earlier. Duh. It wasn’t Dogma, but Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back. Lord, I am worthless when my blood sugar is low.

          Reply

    • Arodhwen
      Jul 22, 2010 @ 10:53:42

      RE: #3
      I am now a little disturbed and notsosure I want to go any more O.O

      Also… I know you meant it as [mostly?] a joke… But why do all things wrock have to revolve around HatP? I know they were the first, but… Not having them does not mean the rest of everything cannot wrock.

      And also I am excited. This year is my first Wrockstock.

      /blather

      Reply

      • Brad Ausrotas
        Jul 22, 2010 @ 11:52:54

        Except that not only are HatP the first, they’re also the best.

        Reply

        • wrocksnob
          Jul 22, 2010 @ 20:07:45

          I would disagree with that. First? Of course. Immensely influential? Certainly. The best live band I have ever seen? You bet. The best? No. Granted, I can’t tell you off the top of my head who is the best – not sure if I could ever properly answer that question without a 42-way tie – but HatP definitely have their problems, a lot of which are or come evident in their CDs. Also, they’ve been coasting on almost no new releases for what, THREE YEARS? Yes, there has been one new EP (which wasn’t very good – more on that… someday), and the double disc thing that consisted of mostly previously released stuff and demos, but there just hasn’t been much. Still, they are fucking amazing, I would just hesitate to call them the best.

          Reply

          • Brad Ausrotas
            Jul 22, 2010 @ 20:21:52

            I guess that’s not really fair of me. I, personally, view HatP as the supreme and penultimate wizard rock band. Whether they’re the best is, like anything of this nature, extremely debatable.

            I just meant that HatP is a MASSSIVE player in this, and not just because they started the movement. Not just cause they’re the most “famous.” But because they have KICKASS music, and people should be clamoring for them to play based on that alone.

            Reply

            • wrocksnob
              Jul 23, 2010 @ 06:57:30

              The “penultimate” band? They’re second to last? And yeah, no, I totally agree with your second paragraph, and really, I don’t think I would agree with anyone saying that one band is hands down the best.

              Reply

              • Brad Ausrotas
                Jul 23, 2010 @ 07:19:23

                Ugh, meant ultimate. That’s what I get for coming home after work and commenting.

                But yeah, art is so subjective that to list the ‘best’ band is entirely futile. Because everyone bases what they think is the best on their own unique standards for listening.

                Reply

                • Arodhwen
                  Jul 25, 2010 @ 20:29:52

                  On a side note, Joe’s been at university, so the fact that they’ve had no major releases recently is probably a good thing. No one should want him flunking out just so they can have more wrock– especially when there are so many other bands out there. The wrock purchasing possibilities are endless.

                  Reply

      • abby
        Jul 22, 2010 @ 13:25:59

        Oh, Arodwhen… I was totally kidding… I really hope you know that. I was just enjoying being able to roll around in the sarcasm.

        And we LOVE HatP and have asked them to pay several times, but the first time, Joe couldn’t leave school at all and the other years, it was cause they’re just not interested in playing big events, unless it’s something they’re sort of already part of, such as LeakyCon… according to Paul.

        Reply

    • abby
      Jul 22, 2010 @ 13:32:03

      In light of recent events, I want to say that my replies to his post are pure sarcasm. Not one bit of it is even remotely true… except the parts about his mom and his face. 😀
      And the champions bit…

      If anyone does have any questions similar to the things that were said but would prefer to see the REAL answers to these questions, feel free to check out our FAQ here: http://stlouisareawizards.com/wrock/forum/index.php?topic=103.0

      Reply

  2. Dolphin
    Jul 17, 2010 @ 18:23:30

    Harry and the Potters are weirdos. Don’t need ’em.

    Reply

  3. Sarah
    Jul 17, 2010 @ 18:24:04

    I think you missed the absolute worst thing about Wrockstock… The fact that it ends.

    Reply

  4. Ela Darling
    Jul 17, 2010 @ 18:27:07

    This is just bizarre.

    Reply

  5. Angela
    Jul 17, 2010 @ 18:34:34

    Could you be any meaner? Abby and her staff wrock. Last year was my first year going to Wrockstock and I will be going again this year. I love it. Bite me.

    Reply

  6. Abby
    Jul 17, 2010 @ 18:37:03

    Oh and another thing… I know you just took some of our FAQ off our forums and twisted them all around to make this.

    I have been DYING to be able to give smart-ass answers to those kinds of questions/comments for a LONG time, so thanks.
    I’ve been totally bored waiting for Broken Lizard’s “Slammin’ Salmon” to start at HomeCon.

    Reply

    • wrocksnob
      Jul 17, 2010 @ 20:12:34

      I actually came up with all them myself – HALF OF THEM IN A DREAM, seriously, no lie, I had a hella wrockin dream last night, but I wouldn’t be surprised if some people asked the things I did in total seriousness. Humans are funny that way. Also, DreamCon has been canceled, because it was a con, that was, in fact, held entirely in my dream. But at least Harry and the Potters did show up to Dreamcon, where the only instruments they used were vuvuzelas. And Draco and the Malfoys did a folk set, using electric guitars made out of bacon, but they had to stop the set because Jarrod kept eating the guitars. And that was the normal stuff that happened. I also traveled to DreamCon by way of flying CatBus.

      Reply

      • abby
        Jul 22, 2010 @ 13:27:44

        Just saw this… not buying it for a second. Cute story, but no. Not unless you’ll admit to being on serious drugs. 😀

        Reply

        • wrocksnob
          Apr 20, 2013 @ 20:55:03

          Years late reply to say that yes, this actually happened in a dream I had. My dreams can be intense. Not as crazy as my roommate though, who always dreams about the apocalypse.

          Reply

  7. Camie
    Jul 17, 2010 @ 19:55:42

    Abby, I heard about those DeGeorge hair dolls…. they were pretty weirded out about that.

    Reply

  8. I. Wilkins
    Jul 30, 2010 @ 15:10:50

    Just please stop slagging things to try to make a name for yourself, its embarrassing. I really can’t imagine you actually believe the things you write, and if you do you are so uninformed and blind and in dire need of a reality check. What have you done? What do you create? Try it sometime and we can all judge you.

    Reply

    • wrocksnob
      Jul 30, 2010 @ 22:03:05

      No, I don’t actually believe the things I write – at least in this particular article. Hence the link at the end of the article. It’s hard to be sarcastic on the internet. Though, I must say that I stand by every single word I’ve written elsewhere on this site (except for the retractions, obviously). Feel free to point out instances where I’m wrong, but I’ve never judged or attacked a person, except possibly Angelina, on this site, and especially not a wizard rocker. I’ve judged their music, obviously, but that’s what reviewers do. We review things. It’s kinda in the job description. I can’t help but think you don’t actually read the reviews on this site. I mean, nothing against you if you don’t, but I do have something against you if you base everything about me off of my first review and a tongue-in-cheek Top Ten list that you failed to get the point of. I’ve written just as many words, if not more, about wrock that I like, than wrock that I don’t. I absolutely love wizard rock – that’s why I do this. Not because I feel that all these wrockers need to be taken down a peg or whatever, but because I believe it deserves critical analysis. Whether or not the critical analysis I give is worthy or any good is of course up to the mind of the reader, but I can’t help but bristle when people attack my entire reason for doing this thing.

      Reply

  9. dj Luna Lovegood
    Jul 30, 2010 @ 20:14:31

    This wasn’t even funny, sorry, sensitive to stupidity sometimes. Wrockstock crew has work their asses off for years to provide something that has overall been an incredible experience for most. Yeah, it’s expensive, but they try to work that out, they are real-‘REAL’ people.
    I have promoted a lot of wrock shows in the past 4 years, before Wrockstock one and after. I have been inspired by the first Wrockstock since(their creators and staff.)
    Ian says some dead on shit. Get a clue, stop trying to make a name for yourself. Best to spend your time trying to set up a show in Dickheadtown, USA.
    Once you walk a mile in our shoes, you may take a shot. Correct me if I’m wrong about these positive additions for Wizard Rock, otherwise, move on.
    As I suggest to others to do so also.

    Reply

    • wrocksnob
      Jul 30, 2010 @ 21:52:33

      I absolutely love and adore Wrockstock and everybody who works their butts off to make it. I’m sorry if you didn’t find it funny, but Abby apparently did. Not a single word of it was serious, and it gets excessively silly as it goes on. If you don’t like that style of humour, then I can’t blame you, but…

      Reply

      • dj Luna Lovegood
        Jul 30, 2010 @ 22:08:19

        yeah, but you have to admit, your prying, it’s tongue in cheek and everyone is really just trying to be cool and survive at this point. Please make a disclaimer for this, you forget our fandom grows and many newbies won’t ‘get’ the joke. Keep a good toe in line and Mary Poppins is appeased 🙂

        Reply

        • wrocksnob
          Jul 31, 2010 @ 01:43:24

          I did make a disclaimer. The giant section at the end that’s all blue and underlined and everything? It’s a link to the wikipedia page for Sarcasm.

          Reply

  10. I. Wilkins
    Jul 31, 2010 @ 23:43:04

    In response…I have read your reviews and have not taken them at face value. It was an emotional response for something I believe very strongly in. Admittedly, after reviewing the post I see your goal. At first glance to a newcomer it might shine a negative light on something that is amazing. To say something for shock value can be damaging so I suggest to be careful with your post. Don’t forget the golden rule…With great power comes great responsibility.

    Reply

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