The Top Ten Wizard Rock Bands Who Are Similar To Mega Man Bosses

That just might be the strangest title for a post that will ever appear on this site.  So, anyway, if you were hanging out on twitter last night Thursday night, I announced my retirement as the Wrock Snob, because the new iTunes interface was just so terrible to deal with that it ruined music forever for me.  This was a joke.  Now, the iTunes design is pretty terrible, but it’s not that bad.  Close, but not quite.  Anywho, I’ve spent about three hours now working on an article that I think may never see the light of day.  Foolishly foolish fool that I am, I thought I could compile a list of the 26 greatest wizard rock songs ever made, but alphabetically.  For example, I’d do the greatest wizard rock song that starts with the letter A, and then the greatest one that starts with the letter B, and so on.  I thought this would be the easiest, and possibly only way to do a list of the best wrock songs ever that wasn’t a Rolling Stone-style list that 500 songs long.  Well, after 3 hours of work, I managed to whittle it down to 218 songs, and I’m not sure I can go any further.

So, anyway, I planned to make a joke at the expense of the new iTunes, and then a couple hours later put up a new post saying “Hey, everyone, it was a joke”.  However, the article took longer than I thought to make (I’m nowhere near even starting to write it), so I decided to shelve it for a later Friday, and instead do an idea I’ve had in the pipeline for awhile – the top ten wizard rock bands who are similar to Mega Man bosses.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

10. Dobby and the House Elves – Grenade Man

According to Mega Man canon (which is actually a bit nebulous, what with all the comic books, television shows, not to mention the spin-off video games, but I define Mega Man canon as the original Mega Man video game series (1-10), and the Mega Man X series, and any ports of these games onto other systems), Grenade Man is shorter than the other robots, and he likes to get hurt.  Seriously, this is his death cry:

I mean, this bot and Dobby are so similar that The Blibbering Humdingers recorded a song entitled “Grenade Man, Bang Your Head”.  Well, no they didn’t, but it’d be awesome if they did, wouldn’t it?

9. Nagini – Snake Man

Because Nagini, is you know, a snake, and Snake Man is a robot designed after a snake… I think this one might be a little too high-concept.  Though, I could totally imagine Nagini using Bathilda Bagshot’s body to rock out to Snake Man’s totally awesome theme song:

8. The Nifflers – Jewel Man

Jewel Man is a robot who really likes shiny things.  Nifflers are animals that really like shiny things. ‘Nuff said.  Or should I say “‘niff said”?

7. The Owl Post – Air Man

So, I came up with almost all of these wrock band/robot master pairs awhile ago, and I don’t exactly remember my logic for choosing Air Man to represent The Owl Post, besides the obvious fact that they both are strongly connected to the air and wind and shit.  Ummm… well, Air Man’s wintastic theme song sounds a little bit like The Owl Post’s equally wintastic song “Will You Be My Pansy”… if you squint… with your ears… MOVING ON!

6. Creevey Crisis – Chill Man

First, insert joke here about the Creevey Crisis song “Winter”, hopefully culminating in some sort of delightful pun on the word “chill”.  Now that that’s out of the way, the true reason for why Creevey Crisis and Chill Man are so similar!  You see, for Mega Man 10, Capcom decided it wasn’t enough just to make distinctively designed bosses with good level tunes – no, they went a step further and gave them all hobbies.  Sheep Man (fucking Sheep Man!) has a teaching job warning workers at a circuit board factory about the dangers of electricity.  Commando Man is a connoisseur of fine… oils.  Like, petroleum.  Solar Man creates exercise programs.  Pump Man does voluntary community service, cleaning away the graffiti of Monsteropolis.  And Chill Man’s hobby “is photography, and has published his photographs of nature’s splendor on the internet in hopes of appealing to the importance of nature.”

My emphasis.  So yeah, while wizards might not have the internet, I still think the comparison stands.  Colin Creevey and Chill Man – two disparate souls brought together by a shared love for photography, and eventually… each other.

QUICK, SOMEBODY WRITE A COLIN CREEVEY/CHILL MAN SLASH FIC.  You could call it “Hearts of Ice” or something.

5. Voldemort – King

Now, you may have noticed that the above Robot Master does not have the word “Man” appended to his name.  King is not truly a Robot Master in that he is not a boss waiting in a cave at the end of a hallway, and when you defeat him, you get another power-up so you can continue your giant, globe-spanning game of rock-paper-scissors.  However, he is a boss, in a Mega Man game, in fact, King is the main antagonist and final boss of the game Mega Man & Bass (you see, in Japan, Mega Man was known as “Rock Man”, and his sister’s name is Roll, and Proto Man’s name was Jazz, etc.), though Wily (of course) does have his hands in things somewhat.  Anywho, the reason why King is like Voldemort can be quickly summarized in one hyphenated neologism: robo-racist.  Not a person who is racist against robots, but a robot that is racist against people.  King then sets out to purge humanity so he can rule a robot-only, human-free nation.  Sound familiar?

Also, King is like the actual band Voldemort quite a lot.  Just look – this is his sprite:

That’s fucking metal.

Please don’t kill me.

4. Neville’s Diary – Hornet Man/Plant Man/Sword Man

Neville (and Neville’s Diary, for that matter) is so awesome that he gets three, count ’em, three robot masters, because I really couldn’t decide which one best represented him.  Hornet Man and, more obviously, Plant Man, both love gardening (Plant Man also suffers from depression – yes, that is canon), and Sword Man has, well, a sword.  A sword that can burst into flames.  And right now I’m imagining how cool it would be if Sword Man and Snake Man fought.  Sword Man would totally win.  Also, seriously, check out Neville’s Diary.  It’s good shit.

3. Mermaids Above Water – Splash Woman

As soon as I figured out I wanted to do this list, I knew that Splash Woman would have to be on here, because Splash Woman is unique in that she is the only female Robot Master ever created (sort of the opposite of the gender pie in the wrock community).  I just wasn’t sure which wizard rock band to pair her with, because, well, there are a lot of female wizard rock bands out there.  A LOT.  I did consider doing The Fleur Delacours, because they’ve had a few feminist anthems, but I decided to go with Mermaids Above Water for obvious reasons.  A less obvious reason, however, is that Splash Woman uses her voice to attack, and that’s pretty much exactly what Mermaids Above Water do, too.  Observe:

2. Gred and Forge – Gemini Man

For once, the reason for why this band is similar to this Robot Master is almost entirely because of the actual band, not just the character the band may (or may not) represent.  You see, Gemini Man is one Robot Master that can make a mirror image of himself (which makes one wonder why Dr. Wily did that with just one bot, and not add that functionality to every bot he made).  And Jarrod is one human being who sings as two different people (Fred and George).  And, intentionally or not, he is so good at making there be subtle differences between the two voices that I actually voted for Gred and Forge for best Duo Wizard Rock Band in the 2008 WRPCAs (or was it 2007?).  Also, Gemini Man is incredibly narcissistic, and we all know that mirror-gazing is Jarrod’s second favorite activity to do, right behind challenging Doujace to a couch-romping competition.

And now, the wizard rock band that most resembles a Mega Man boss is…

1. The Whomping Willows – Wood Man

Okay, okay, hear me out on this one.  Now, I know this one seems like a bit of a stretch, but there is a very good rea… a good reas… okay, a reason why The Whomping Willows are (is?) similar to Wood Man.  You see, according to the data on an additional CD that came with the aforementioned game Mega Man & Bass (the one that King is from), in addition to being a naturalist, having a touchy disposition, and hating it when harm comes to nature (all completely irrelevant traits for the purpose of this connection), Wood Man enjoys mountaineering. Now, if you anagram the word “mountaineering”, you get the phrase “I ring a tune – omen!” (as well as “I grin at neon emu”).  One of the most ominous tunes you could ring out is Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, by Johann Sebastian Bach.  Now, the name Johann is pronounced “Yo-hahn”, which sounds a bit like “yo-ho”, which is traditionally something that pirates say.  Something else that pirates would say, especially when speaking about other pirates, is “He’s a pirate”, which happens to be the name of a song by DJ Tiësto, who will be featured in the upcoming game DJ Hero 2, which is a continuation of the Guitar Hero franchise, which uses a game mechanic called “star power”.  In physics, power is equal to the amount of work performed over a period of time.  Time and the traveling thereof is key plot point in the video game Chrono Trigger, the main character of which is named (unless you choose to change it to something like “Link” or “Poopface” or whatever) Chrono, which sounds similar to the Greek god Cronus, whose Roman counterpart is Saturn.  Saturn, in addition to being the sixth planet from the sun, is a video game console on which Mega Man 8 appeared, in which Wood Man was featured as a mini-boss.  Now, all you have to do is a bit of simple mathematics – 8 (as in Mega Man Eight) minus 6 (as in the sixth planet from the sun) is equal to two, and book number two of the Harry Potter series is Chamber of Secrets, in which the Whomping Willow makes his/its debut.

Yes, I know it’s a tad tangential, but I still feel that The Whomping Willows and Wood Man have a lot in common with each other.  I mean, Wood Man’s stage select screen pic even looks a bit like Matt Maggiacomo!

If you squint… in a dark room… through a blindfold.  I can’t think of a clever way to fit it in, but Wood Man’s level theme is definitely worth a listen (as is pretty much the entire Mega Man 2 soundtrack).  And on a final note, Wood Man is INCREDIBLE.

That about wraps it up for this Friday… I mean, Monday… yeah… I really need to work on that whole “finishing things on time” thing.  Hopefully something that actually has to do with wizard rock will be up on Wednesday?  Maybe?


17 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. jace
    Sep 20, 2010 @ 21:24:35

    i am very upset i was not Cut Man. C’mon dude. Seriously.


  2. Arodhwen
    Sep 20, 2010 @ 21:41:09

    This was ridiculously nerdy. In so many wonderful ways. Thank you.
    As for Whomping Willows as Wood Man… I just don’t see it.


  3. Whompy
    Sep 20, 2010 @ 23:04:05

    Of all the coverage I’ve received from various versions of the press, this is by far my favorite.


  4. MaryBeth Schroeder
    Sep 21, 2010 @ 01:02:37

    I got mentioned in something! I feel like a rockstar! This is the second time someone made my day today!!! Double day making. Full on. So intense.

    Also, I should wear a Snake Man costume on stage.


  5. Russ
    Sep 21, 2010 @ 04:01:39

    I’m actually more happy that Voldemort made the list, than the Crisis 🙂


    • wrocksnob
      Sep 21, 2010 @ 08:31:40

      You know, I don’t think I ever pimped out Voldemort (wow, that sounds weird) before now, which is really sad, because I absolutely love Voldemort. Looking back on it now, I’m really trying to figure out how the hell I didn’t fit Evil Is Sexy into my Top 12 EPs list, because that shit is good.


      • Arodhwen
        Sep 21, 2010 @ 09:29:16

        “Feeding the Basilisk” alone should have secured that.
        PS- How about a DC comics list?


      • Russ
        Sep 22, 2010 @ 06:20:16

        More people need to love Voldemort. And Thestral, for that matter. It’s a favorite rant of mine, but I get bummed that some newer wrock bands and fans aren’t that familiar with some of the older bands like those two, Hollow Godric, etc. It’s nature of the beast, and the bands and music are always evolving, but I dig the older stuff.


  6. Brad Ausrotas
    Sep 21, 2010 @ 05:09:29

    This was extremely entertaining.

    I would really look forward to a Pitchfork-style top 200 from you.


  7. Christian
    Sep 24, 2010 @ 19:40:30

    I don’t know if I should be sad or happy that I’ve never been mentioned anywhere on this blog, ever. 🙂


  8. Jarrod
    Oct 27, 2010 @ 07:11:04

    This is my kind of list. More NES/Wiz Rock comparisons please.


  9. Ilene
    Nov 06, 2013 @ 21:41:48

    Siegmund Hübner, Inhaber jenes Hugo Sekt depot Xanten war zufrieden mit jener Entwicklung seines Internet Handels.
    Ein verlagseigenes Tier-Forum funktioniert Anlaufstelle, Austausch stellen
    Anregung für schreibende und selbst in dem »richtigen Leben« aktive sowie interessierte Tierschützer.
    Es gibt wirklich zahlreiche Hugo Sekt Hugo Sekt , welche keine sowie nur wenige Hugo Sekt hatten.


  10. Trackback: 7 Panels I Should Have Submitted For LeakyCon 2016 | The Wrock Snob

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Laugh At My Lack of Updates!

September 2010
« Aug   Oct »

%d bloggers like this: