JIGGLYPUFF

This article was cowritten with some Hufflepuff douche online.  She also like did some music, don’t know if you’ve heard about it? It’s called The Firewhiskey Event or something? And she did this musical or some shit called The Last Skirmish.  Fuck if I know. Anyway. Read the article.  It’s a bonus second article to make up for the fact that the previous one was late.  And possibly sucked.

Once upon a time, there was an evil Jigglypuff.  The Jigglypuff wanted all of the hamster spleens in the world, so he jumped into his time machine, which was not a time machine, but was in fact a cardboard box.  He decided to go back in time to the dawn of hamsters.  FUCK YOU.  The Jigglypuff’s name was Unclaimed Okra, and his favorite game to play, was radial cum keno.  Unclaimed Okra, or Uncle Okra to his friends, was walking along the halls of Hogwarts, when he came upon a midnight clear.  Well, mostly clear.  Once Filch had cleared all of the midnight, he set down a nice table cloth on it.  Then a badger got onto the midnight that had the table cloth on it, and started to groan in arousal.  He considered acts of frottage, but decided against them.  But then, a really sexy fish named Wanda came along.  And then they had sex (while Dobby watched) and in 19 months time, they produced the world’s first hamster.  Jigglypuff sang to the hamster.  The song went like this:

“BEEP BEEP BOOP BOOP BEEP BEEP

BEEP BEEP BOOP BOOP

I DON’T KNOW

I COULDN’T SAY ANYTHING

I’M LAUGHING TOO HARD

I AM NOT A BARD

MY ABS ARE ROCK-HARD

THAT’S BECAUSE I’M A ROCK TYPE

JUST KIDDING

I’M NORMAL TYPE

I’M WEAK-SAUCE

IN BATTLES

NO ONE LIKES ME

BUT I’M CUTE

SO I GET TO STAY

IN THE AAAAAAANIME

BECAUSE I’M MOTHERFUCKING

JIIIIIIIGGGLYYYYPUUUUUUUUFFFFF

YEAH THAT’S RIGHT BITCHES

JIIIIIIIIIGGGLYYYYYPPPUUUUUFFFF”

The hamster, whose name was Tallobian Fube, swayed, and fell into a deep and calming slumber.  During his slumber, he dreamt about A Very Potter Threequel, in which Snape and Dumbledore finally get together (I mean, everyone knew it was gonna happen), culminating in a naked Rockettes-style kick-line set to Ke$ha (specifically, “Get Sleazy”).  Working quickly, Uncle Okra took out his wand and cast diffindo on the hamster.  He then reached in, fished around, and took out his heart.  Swearing, he put the heart back in, put some Spellotape around everything to hook back all the tubes and shit, and then fished around once more, and removed Tallobian Fube’s spleen.

Uncle Okra carried the spleen around Hogwarts, looking for someone who would accept it as a gift, so they could be friends.  But nobody paid attention to the Jigglypuff holding the hamster spleen.  Now, this could be because Uncle Okra was singing the whole time, so everyone he offered the hamster spleen to, was unconscious.  So, he decided to take a stwoll in the Fowbidden Fowest, whereupon he met a man named Leth.  He did not want to be friends with Leth, but he still wanted to give the hamster spleen to someone else.  So, he challenged Leth to a game of Wizard Poker, which is the same as poker, except I said wizard in front of it.  They played a fierce number of hands, but eventually Uncle Okra was starting to run out of chips (they were sour cream and onion flavoured).  Uncle Okra looked at his cards, and then looked at the chips, and looked at his cards again.  He slammed the cards down on the table, sighed, and said, “Leth, I fold.”

Leth started to take the spleen when Uncle Okra remembered that his sole character motivation was that he wanted all of the hamster spleens in the world, and the entire previous paragraph had been out of character for him.  That is, Uncle Okra was out of character, not the paragraph.  The paragraph was in character just fine.  As Uncle Okra was wondering how to get the spleen back, a lethifold came along and ate Leth.  Then the lethifold somehow produced a guitar even though it had no appendages, and then he ate that too.  Then he ate Grawp.  Everybody cheered!  The lethifold said “Thank you very much.  In repayment for my kind act, can you please get me some wood and nails and bricks and shit?”  Everyone was like “Fuck yeah, we’re wizards! We can do that!”

A few accio spells later, the lethifold, whose name was Tenaj Candy, had all the supplies he or she needed.  The he or she got to work with the materials, and built a house.  It was not an old house, since he or she had just built it, it was a new house.  Tenaj Candy wondered what to call the house when some douche Hufflepuff who thought she could sing came in and was like “THIS IS A REALLY FUCKING LONG WALK FOR THIS JOKE. JUST CALL IT NOM NOM AND GET IT OVER WITH ALREADY.”  So Tenaj did.  Then Tenaj ate the wizard girl.

Meanwhile, Uncle Okra was just chillin’ there, with his mouth in agape, and not in a grape, which would not make much sense.  Unless it was a very large grape.  He then shrugged, got into his time machine and by that I mean GIRAFFE.  Once he was all the way inside the giraffe, he set the dials to 1.21 gigawatts, and then realized that was stupid, it’s all about the terawatts now.  So he set it to 1.21 terawatts, and went back to the future, and there were no hamsters.  At first, Unclaimed Okra was very sad, because there were no hamsters, and thus no hamster spleens.  Now he could never have all the hamster spleens in the world.

As he hopped glumly out of his giraffe, and started to slowly walk hum, softly and sadly singing “Jiiiiiggglyyyypuuuuffff”, he looked down at his hand, and noticed that he was clutching a hamster spleen.  It was the only hamster spleen in the world.  He fell to his knees (to Jigglypuffs even have knees?), and wept with joy and laughter and thanksgivings, and praised the Lords of Kobol.  And that is how babies are made.  The end.

Before I sign off for another hard day of snobbery and snark, and I would like to thank my co-author, BATMAN.  Wrock Snob, out.

6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Christie
    Dec 04, 2010 @ 12:05:19

    OK I have to read the rest of this later when I’m not supposed to be working on term papers but I have to comment on the falling snow in the background of this page. It’s awesome. OK that’s all. I’ll say something else that’s probably more interesting later after I actually read this.

    Reply

  2. Daisy
    Dec 04, 2010 @ 12:12:46

    “And this is how babies are made. The end.”

    Oh. My. God. Best story ever. Thank you so much, Hufflepuff Douche.

    Reply

  3. Jenn
    Dec 04, 2010 @ 18:07:42

    I’ll take a quote from “Billy Madison” for this one.

    Mr. Snob, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

    Reply

  4. Hufflepuff Douche
    Dec 04, 2010 @ 21:25:36

    Thank you! Soon, I will be running this website.

    Reply

  5. Dee
    Dec 05, 2010 @ 15:37:49

    Are you serious? Are you really calling this an article? Is this really on a blog about wizard rock?

    I am not impressed. In fact, I am disappointed.

    Reply

  6. Arodhwen
    Dec 09, 2010 @ 22:28:02

    Am I the only one who liked this? *sigh*
    I was a bit put off by the incident with the mostly clear midnight, but after that it was gold.

    Also, you should both be arrested. Because I died laughing due to this post. And murder is ILLEGAL.

    Reply

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