The Top Seven Best Wrock Songs Ever Made

Guess who’s back? Back again? Wrock Snob’s back! Tell a friend.  Yes, I’m back, and I am very, very sorry for the long absence.  However, I hope this article will make up for it, because we’re kicking things off by diving into what will probably be the hardest to write article EVER – listing only the top seven wizard rock songs ever made.  Naturally, paring down the vast and wonderful field of wizard rock to just seven songs was quite a difficult task, which explains the large gap between now and when the previous article was posted.  I hope you can understand.  Now, without further ado – the seven best wrock songs ever made!

7. Slytherin Dolls – “Neville is a Nerd”

Yes, yes, we all know that Neville is awesome and sexy and we all define with him and he killed a snake, yes yes, but I think as a fandom we sometimes lose track of the defining facet of Neville’s character – in the words of Slytherin Dolls:

What a wally, what a burk
he sticks out like a sore thumb
he’s a wally, he’s a jerk
nobody can be as dumb
Neville’s a hopeless case
he can never pull a bird
Neville’s thick and he’s got a pig face
Neville is a nutter, Neville is nerd
oh Neville is a nutter, Neville is….
Neville is a nerd!

Combine these great lyrics with a fun to shout along to chorus and some fun guitar work, and it’s no surprise that this is a great way to start off our definitive list of the best wizard rock songs ever.  Now, just in case you are of such dreadful low-breeding and poor taste that you’ve never heard this song (and because there aren’t any youtube videos with it), you can experience the anti-Neville fun for yourself! Cuz really, he is quite a tosser.

6. Fort Minor Characters – “Petrified”

I have long been a fan of Fort Minor Characters, and they are easily one of my favorite wrock bands of all time because, come on – rapping about the lives and emotions of minor Harry Potter characters over video game-inspired beats? What could be better?!  This particular song is from the point of view of Michael Corner during his and Harry’s second year at Hogwarts.  As for the music, the Chrono Trigger beat is hot as all hell, and the FMC boys’ flows could be described by no other word but tight. As for the lyrics, they speak for themselves:

How you doin’, y’all?
My name’s Mike –
I’m fooling with the new shit
I’m doing it all night
I like what i do
I do what i like
I could quit and get it back like I’m riding a bike

and

You really must be so lonely
Puffed up, lookin’ tough, but so phony
You and your boys, you don’t know me
You really wanna hold me show me, homie.

and

Now why’s everybody so petrified?
WHAT?
Petrified?
WHAT?
Step aside!

It’s a well-known fact that I have a penchant for wiz-rap, so “Petrified” by Fort Minor Characters easily grabs the number six spot. The uncultured who are unfamiliar with this masterpiece may have their minds blown below:

5. Gudgeons and Dragons – “A Surprise Return”

It’s no secret that one of the things that pushes my wizard rock “hot buttons” is songs about/from the POV of minor characters – the more minor (yet in-depth the lyrics) the better.  So naturally, a Christmas song from the POV of a character that is only ever offhandedly mentioned ONCE in the entire series is just about guaranteed to make me cum.  You see, when Davy Gudgeon nearly lost an eye to the Whomping Willow, that was just the beginning of his battle with the arboreal adversaries.  “A Surprise Return” recounts just one of Davy’s many misadventures with conifers, in which his Christmas Tree barges back into his house after Christmas and demands he be given room, board, and ping-pong in return for being so rudely thrown from the place he had come to call home.  However…

He’s the worst houseguest ever
And the moral of the story can be said like this:
Christmas trees, they never wanna call it quits
So before you throw your tree out
Chop it up to bits and have a happy new year

Throw in some good drumming and some really fun keyboard/kazoo thingie work, and it adds up to a great Christmas wrock song the whole family can enjoy! As long as your family hails from the Kingdom of Animalia, if you catch my drift.  And here, a bone for the unwashed masses:

4. The Gringotts Goblin Kings – “Magic Dance”

Now, probing musical looks at minor characters is all well and good, but sometimes you just want some music that’s fun to dance to and wizardly, without having to make you, you know, think and stuff. That’s why TGGK scored so well with “Magic Dance”, a song about magic, and dancing, and that’s about it.  There are some more specific HP shout-outs – “The babe with the power” and “What kind of magic spell to use?”, but mostly it’s fun electronic rock and great singing tinged with wizardness – what more could you want? Besides the three songs that are better than it, of course?

I suspect that many of you have heard this one (thankfully), but just in case:

3. Billywig Ballyhoo – “Magic”

The bronze medalist on this lost shares a lot in common with the Honorable Mention – it’s another light, but fun wizard song to sing along to, exactly what you need to get your day going right. However Billywig Ballyhoo’s seminal hit gets into the top three because lyrically, there is subtle extra layer of depth that “Magic Dance” just doesn’t have.  This depth is mostly shown in the very catchy chorus:

Oh, oh, oh – it’s magic!

You know!

Never believe it’s not so!

This chorus’ lyrical purpose is three-fold – 1) From a in-character canon perspective, it’s just a wizard singing about magic and how awesome it is to have it and how much better we are than foolish blind muggles. 2) From a macro meta-perspective, it’s a call to keep believing in the power of wonder and imagination that has fueled us and our community for so long. It’s a reminder that, beneath all the inevitable drama, we’re all brought here by our love for Harry Potter and the, well, “magical” world of magic. 3) From a micro meta-perspective, there was a growing trend in fanon awhile back that believed that from an in-character perspective, magic didn’t actually exist, it was either all smoke, mirrors, and SCIENCE, or the more popular theory, that Harry was simply some mentally-ill child in a particularly fantastically wallpapered room, imagining all the events and characters we had grown to love.

This song is a rejection of such cynical interpretations of canon, and a call to “never believe it’s not so.” I for one will heed Billywig Ballyhoo’s advice and keep on… never not believing? Okay, so the grammar in the song can get a little tricky. Experience the trickiness for yourself if you haven’t already, you lowlife you, below!

2. They Might Be Giants – “She’s Actual Size”

Okay, enough of the broad-ranging party songs – it’s back to some musical minutiae – FUCK YEAH! They Might Be Giants is the epitome of a POV-focused band.  Any fool can base a band entirely around just one character’s perspective. It takes real skill to base a band entirely around one character’s perspective on just one small specific issue. In this case, TMBG is (obviously enough) a band that entirely makes songs from the point-of-view of Rita Skeeter wondering about the sizes of Hagrid’s parents.  While “She’s Actual Size” is not necessarily their best song (that would be the crunk-house favorite “Ouch! (Let’s Just Be Glad The Sizes Weren’t Reversed)”), it is the song that most exemplifies what the band is about, and just how blissfully nerdy and fun such canon-scraping can be.

Words fail
Buildings tumble
The ground opens wide
Light beams down from heaven
She stands before my eyes
She’s actual size, but she seems much bigger to me

Add to great lyrics like that some really fun horn work, and in their live performances, the amazing Dial-A-Vuvuzela-Solo Skit, and you’ve got the second greatest wizard rock song ever made, which you can hear again (because this isn’t the first time you’ve listened to it, right? RIGHT?!?!) below:

And now, it’s finally time.  Time for me to reveal what is, undoubtedly, the single GREATEST wizard rock song ever made.  We all know which one it is – while I’ll admit that in this list I’ve been a bit targeted towards the more obscure side of the fandom, the number one song of all time is a song we all know, and that is near and dear to all of our hearts. It is, in a sense, the definitive wizard rock song, the one that you all have included in your mixtapes to try and convert your muggle friends, the song that has inspired so many memorable sing-alongs.  The lyrics are comprised of a sweeping beauty not seen, not just in most wizard rock songs, but in most songs in general.  It recalls the simple yet beautiful style of some of my favorite lyrical music – hymns such as “Amazing Grace” and “Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing”.  It makes us question ourselves, our very existence, while at the same time affirming it, all through the prism of Harry Potter.

And musically? Phew… It’s quite possibly the greatest song, musically speaking, I have ever heard in my whole life.  Granted, such a statement is not one you will often hear from my mouth/keyboard, due to my encyclopedic knowledge of music and my love of almost all genres.  Yet, when I consider my vast internal compendium of music, only one songs stands above the rest, a shining beacon in the dark.  AND it’s not just a great, nay, AMAZING song, it’s also got a really fun music video too – one of the most clever music videos I’ve seen in years! By now I’m sure you’ve all guessed which song I’m talking about.  I am of course, talking about none other than the seminal wizard rock classic…

1. Rebecca Black – “Friday”

This song really needs no explanation, as it’s one we’ve all heard almost (but not quite!) too many times, but for those wretched souls and idiotic Hufflepuffs out there, let me quickly elaborate on why this is, without a doubt, the greatest wizard rock song of all time.  Rebecca Black is a band that sings from the point of view of, funnily enough, Rebecca Black, undoubtedly the most popular fanon character ever created.  Rebecca Black is the fourth Black sister that Jo just never got quite enough time to mention (or did she?), who was Sirius’s friend, confidante, and, in the more wincestual fics, occasional lover.  Also, in case you were for some reason wondering, her middle name is Abigail.

However, that’s irrelevant. What IS relevant is how amazing the lyrics in this song are – they truly capture the spirit of such a beloved character, going through one of the toughest trials in her life.  You see, during chapter 42 of part 17 of the Tears of Winter saga, chronicling the life of Rebecca Abigail Black, Rebecca is placed under the control of the Imperius Curse, and now she, like the audience can only watch, horror stricken, as she commits horrendous acts against those she loves.  One scene in particular that I know stands out in all true fans’ minds is when Rebecca has to get into an official Ministry carriage to attend a high society function.  She knows she should get into the back seat like a demure Pureblood witch should, and if she boldly chose the front seat, it would be a most improper gesture that would set back her entire family’s social rankings considerably.

The inner turmoil Rebecca experiences as she tries to make the right decision, but feels she can’t as she is helpless to resist the overwhelming suggestive power of the unforgivable curse is so beautifully portrayed in the lyrics, as is the repetitious use of the word “gotta” to convey how powerful this terrible spell is in its influence over your convictions.  Now, I could go on and on about the numerous little in-jokes and fanon shout-outs buried in this song – like the allusions to how when Rebecca was finally released from the Imperius curse, her mind had been so adversely affected that she had to relearn even simple things like tying her shoes or the days of the week, or how all of her friends were “right”, that is, politically conservative, and given the recent release of this song, I think there was some meta-joking at the birthday of a certain beloved pair of twins inherent in the song’s title.

And what’s amazing is that this large breadth of of emotion is all covered in a single 4 minute song, a pop song no less! And it is this lovely, joy-filled poppy sound that truly makes this song special, for linking such a dark topic with such upbeat music – hooray, my beloved cognitive dissonance makes a return!  This song works on so many levels – as a great pop song, as a rehashing of quality fanfic, and best of all, as a cerebral masterpiece.  Let us all experience this truly moving work of art one more time, together, shall we?

I do hope you have enjoyed this list, and once again let me apologize for my absence, but I think you can all agree that constructing such a monument to the seven greatest wizard rock songs ever (nonetheless DECIDING which were the top seven) was worth a couple of months without hearing my calm, soothing voice. Err, “voice”.  And with that, I bid you all a fond adieu, and hope you all have a marvelous Friday! Wrock Snob out.

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15 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Hufflepuff Douche
    Apr 01, 2011 @ 03:44:17

    These aren’t even wizard rock songs. I don’t get it.

    Reply

  2. Luke
    Apr 01, 2011 @ 05:51:18

    This list is pretty good. Congrats to all the bands who made it. I’m just really confused as to how or why you would skip over or omit any songs by The Ministry of Magic or ALL CAPS. See ya in Miami!!!

    Reply

  3. lunasceiling
    Apr 01, 2011 @ 07:50:13

    *glances at the previous two responses, then glances at calendar*

    Okay, you two are playing along, right? Right…?

    Reply

  4. Scott Humdinger
    Apr 01, 2011 @ 10:02:35

    ROFL!

    You could at least give an honorable mention to Diamond Dave and the Death Eaters. Their 1980s remake of “I Ain’t Go No Body” (Just a Gigolo) is such an obvious reference to the Dark Lord and the time he spent mind-fucking badgers and voles in an Albanian forest…

    I ain’t got no body.
    No body.
    Nobody cares for me.
    No body.
    No body.
    I’m so sad and lonely.
    Sad and lonely
    Sad and lonely.
    Won’t some sweet mama come and take a chance with me?
    ‘Cause I aint’ so bad.

    Reply

  5. Mel
    Apr 01, 2011 @ 16:53:11

    You get at least half a million points for Magic Dance. At least. I’d give you a million, easy.

    Reply

  6. Arodhwen
    Apr 01, 2011 @ 17:38:20

    Dude. I mean… When RAB has those lines where she’s been so dain bramaged by extended use of the Imperius that she drops verbs from her sentences? It’s like having my HEART torn from my CHEST.

    Also? How could you forget a classic like “Carry On My Wizard Son” by Scotland? I mean, take the last verse, for example:
    Carry on, you will always remember
    Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
    Now your life’s no longer empty
    Surely Hogwarts waits for you
    Carry on my wizard son…

    Et cetera. It deserved #3, at least.

    Reply

  7. Brad
    Apr 01, 2011 @ 18:53:58

    Haha…yesss

    Reply

  8. Rachel Marie
    Apr 04, 2011 @ 13:48:28

    I am being haunted by Friday. Even on Wrock blogs I CAN NOT get away from that song. ( But HUGE nerdy props for Magic Dance!)

    Reply

  9. Randi
    Apr 06, 2011 @ 11:59:58

    Wooowwww…… this almost beat the Starkid prank

    Reply

  10. PK9
    Apr 22, 2011 @ 15:20:14

    Wow… I asked and you delivered… It just took me three weeks to see this update. But I did manage to read this on a Friday. =P

    Reply

  11. Cakesta
    Apr 25, 2011 @ 16:52:07

    lol, i just found your fb fan page today and checked out your link to here… you really had me going there! but once the Labyrinth song came on… meh, I didn’t read the post date! Please come out with a real top 7 wrock songs list soon! 😀

    Reply

  12. Getting Pregnant Tips
    Apr 29, 2011 @ 15:37:39

    Pregnancy is entirely diverse for every women. Heck, every pregnancy any one woman experiences is entirely various from the others. But a number of symptoms are widespread early in pregnancy, some that are widely known, some you may not have known.

    Reply

  13. Jenn
    Nov 09, 2011 @ 22:02:56

    this was amazing. the inclusion of Magic Dance just about made my life XD… however, if i end up actually LIKING Friday, i’m blaming you. also, the Neville song was awesome, i gotta check out that band, even though they’re not wrock =)

    Reply

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