Bard Questions: Why Does So Much Wizard Rock Suck?

[This is the last of the drafts in the “Bard Questions” series, and it consists of a single series of sentence fragments: “talk about how SO MUCH is chaff, and say that it’s because they didn’t do enough, have time to improve”. Yup, that’s it. And honestly, this is not a topic I particularly wish to involve myself in in great detail, but I like to finish what I start, at least in some manner of means. So, I’m just going to quickly run through a few points and be done with it.]

Okay, let’s do this quick-like, because those old episodes of Star Trek: Voyager aren’t going to watch themselves. Actually, now that I think about it, I would totally watch a Wreck-It Ralph/Toy Story-style movie about personifications of the various films in your Netflix cue, and how they interact when you aren’t logged in. The personification of Lost would be fat, bloated, and would go on unnecessary tangents than never quite resolve themselves in every single conversation.

Anyway, this is kind of a trick question, and not just because “suck” is relative. It’s true that a lot of those 750 bands are fairly chaff-y, but a lot of that is because it’s some 16 year old girl who recorded a song or two in her bedroom one day in 2008, maybe with an acoustic guitar and maybe without, and then never really did much after that. I can’t really call that “sucking”, so much as “unfulfilled”. I believe that every wizard rock band has some seed of potential somewhere in it, be it lyrics, music, bravado, artistry, talent with media, or a mixture of talents and elements, and for those bands, I would rather classify them as having never reached potential, than sucking.

And what about those bands I constantly rag on? Well, I would never claim that the likes of Ministry of Magic or what have you suck – certain albums they might have produced may suck hardcore, but I don’t feel like you can use that to say that the band as a whole sucks. Why? Because when it comes to bands, I take a Trafalmadorian view of time – I see it all laid out, like you would view a mountain range. So yes, there are times when the output was less than optimal, but there are also times where the output was much more than satisfactory. This is why I will never do a straight-up “Top 10 Wizard Rock Bands” list, because I feel it’s much more difficult, and kind of counter-productive to compare a career, and not just single pieces of art.

For example, how could you really compare the career of The Remus Lupins’ to another, when what The Remus Lupins was and what they sounded like shifted and evolved so dramatically over the years? You can compare specific albums, to be sure, but as a whole career, encompassing band changes and shifts in genre, I don’t see how you really could.

And all of this is besides the point. I guess the answer to the question posed above is that so much wizard rock sucks is because so much of it was abandoned early on. But this is countered by the existence of fantastic bands that only made a couple songs, or bands that continued past the point where they ran out of ideas. I think the truth of the matter is that wizard rock doesn’t suck or have a ratio of rockage to suckage more than any other genre. But there are few genres out there that have both an easily identifiable concrete number of good/popular bands, and a very concrete total number of bands. Sure, anyone can say “Well there’s a bunch of shitty metal bands out there”, but the fact that we know that there’s 750 bands out there, and you can count the good bands on a few hands, makes it seem all the more real.

So, wizard rock doesn’t suck. There, I said it. Can I go home now?


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