REVIEW: Voldemort Can’t Stop The Rock!

BACON

First of all, I would like to point out that this is the HUNDREDTH WROCK SNOB ARTICLE. I am obviously very excited to have reached this point, and I want to take the time to thank everyone who has stuck with me and continued to visit this site over the past 3 years, through all the drama, crapped out posts, failed series, giant gold letters, lack of content, and that one time I changed the background of the website to a dancing horse mask gif. I can’t say I understand your continued interest in what I have to say about a waning genre, but I also can’t thank you enough for it.

And so, I wanted to do something very special for this hundredth article. I considered many options – the Top Ten Wrock Albums, The Remus Lupins Retrospective, write the first installment of the Top 500 Wrock Songs, heck, maybe even switch things up and review a Ministry of Magic album for once. But then, in a flash of completely self-inspired brilliance, it came to me – I should review not the best, but the most important wizard rock album of all time! But then I realized that Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Wetter is a work that speaks for itself, and continuing a discussion of this masterpiece beyond the reach of this sentence would do naught but tarnish its perfection. So, instead I’m going to review the second most important wrock album – Harry and the Potters’ Voldemort Can’t Stop The Rock! But I am not going to review this album in the usual manner, oh no. You see, for a work as important as this, I need to analyze not the music, not even the lyrics, but their sociological impact, and moreover, their metaphoric resonance.

By this I am of course referring to the fact that Harry and the Potters’ second album is secretly about bacon.

Now, on the surface this seems like a ludicrous statement – surely this album is just about wizards, right?

WRONG.

Now yes, this is the surface analysis of this album, but a deeper look reveals the work to be shrouded in metaphor, much like how Wreck-It Ralph was on the surface a movie about video games, but underneath was actually about affirmation and self-belief when living with mental illness. But the DeGeorge brothers strove for even loftier artistic subjects than that – they chose to write an album solely dedicated to that most noble of meat products, bacon.

And really, this should come as no surprise – the band’s fondness for bacon is well known: not only did they write a song about it, once one of their merch items was just a jar of fucking bacon grease (their second-most inspired merch ever – the first is when they charged 100 bucks for vhs copies of ET – “the classic family film!”). They even acknowledged this love of bacon in their song “Hermione’s Favorite Food”.

But I still hear you asking – “Wrock Snob, but how exactly is this album about bacon? And why did you wiretap my house?” While the true answers to both questions are a matter of national security, so I’m afraid you’re just going to have to trust me, the President has allowed me to give some brief detailing into answering the former.

The album starts off with the titular song, “Voldemort Can’t Stop The Rock”, which makes its intentions very clear within the first minute – the mellow keyboard tune is quickly accompanied by pop-and-locking drum-n-bass that immediately sets into mind the mental image of bacon grease sizzling and popping in the pan. The song goes on to explain how “Voldemort” can’t stop “the rock”, though why exactly he can’t do this or why this would even interest him is never adequately explained. This is a clear hint that there is something more going on beneath the surface of this song.

The astute listener will soon realize that this song is actually a pro-meat anthem, with Voldemort being a clear stand-in for Vegans (sorry, Whompy), who wish to stop us from eating our favorite food. Sure, they claim we will get super saiyan powers if we comply, but can you really trust a vegan? The answer that “Voldemort Can’t Stop The Rock” emphatically declares, is NO.

“The Weasle” really should have just been called “The Bacon” – it’s about someone (or something) Harry cares about very much, and though there are some problems associated with it (“you’re pet rat almost killed us all”? Come on, that is so clearly a reference to the risks of high cholesterol you’d have to be blind to interpret it any other way), “we’ll forgive you”, and really, who can stay mad at bacon? “The Missing Arm of Viktor Krum” is one of the more macabre songs Harry and the Potters has ever written, being about how Harry suspects that Ron killed Viktor Krum and cooked him into delicious bacon, leaving only the arm remaining. “Fred and George” is about how we should “give it up” for something Harry cares a lot about that is highly versatile and has many uses, and as we all know, bacon makes EVERYTHING better.

“Keeping Secrets From Me” should just be called “Keeping Bacon From Me” – I too would be “angry now, I’m angry now, I’m angry – woo!” if someone was keeping me from bacon. In “Cornelius Fudge is an Ass”, Harry and the Potters switch things up and make a song devoted to pig butt, or in other words, ham. Still, it’s very closely bacon-related, keeping the overall theme of the album. “Dumbledore’s Army” is about Harry rallying a group of kids to fight against both Voldemort (remember, a euphemism for veganism) and Umbridge (a stand-in for the brainwashing of our children’s minds with hippie propaganda), and how fighting the good fight is “going to be so great” and how we must “educate” both ourselves and our friends, if we wish to win this war, not just for bacon, but for ourselves.

“These Dreams are Dark” is actually just about wizards. “Stick it to Dolores” is about fighting, as previously mentioned, the hippie propaganda so prevalent in our society that threatens to overwhelm our very way of life. “Oh my God you look like a frog” is a particularly favorite line of mine, as it compares this scum of our society to the French, who are arguably even worse than hippies or vegans. “SPEW” is about what you should do if anyone tries to feed you fakon. The true name of “The Human Hosepipe” should be “The Bacon Hosepipe” – DELICIOUS! “Luna Lovegood is OK” shows the more balance side of this album, in which Harry and the Potters, despite their staunch pride in bacon and The Bacon Way, admit that Luna (the most obvious hippie moonchild space cadet in the series, and is probably a Level Three Vegan at least) is still “OK” – teaching an important lesson in tolerance: just because the vegans are evil, hateful, and wrong, doesn’t mean we have to hate them back. We can still find the bacon-powered resolve inside us to tolerate their presence, for up to whole minutes at a time.

“The Godfather Part II” is a heart-wrenching eulogy for bacon that’s already been eaten. We, like Harry, all wish that it could “come back now, from beyond the veil” (the “veil” obviously representing the lining of our esophagus), for we “know you’re there”, but unfortunately, the bacon is now gone for good. A hard lesson to learn, but an important one. We then end things with the all-time seminal Harry and the Potters song, “The Weapon”. “Now surely,” you say to me, “this song is about the power of love, and nothing else, correct? And seriously, why are you wire-tapping me, Mr. and/or Ms. Snob?” Firstly, don’t call my Shirley. Secondly, of course this song is about the power of love. But what does Harry, and thus ourselves, love more than bacon

So remember, the next time you’re at a Harry and the Potters concert, or singing along at home, sing lyrics truer to the heart of the message Paul and Joe were striving for, and shout it out loud – “THE WEAPON WE’VE GOT’S BACON!”

“The weapon we have is MEAT” is also acceptable.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Sam Harris
    Jun 23, 2013 @ 06:20:32

    ….You are so fantastic.
    That is all.

    Reply

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