Top 10 Things That Didn’t Make Sense at LeakyCon Portland

While on the whole I did enjoy LeakyCon Portland, and the same seems to be true for most people, there were some things at LeakyCon that just didn’t… quite… make sense. For example:

10. Why were lines for overpriced bland con food so long when there was a Burgerville, a Denny’s, and a Red Robin right fucking there?

This truly baffled me. While I’m happy that more people were introduced to the deliciousness that is Burgerville (I myself used the ludicrous amount of ad revenue I get from running this site to get a special franchise installed near my Moonbase On The Moon), and it was a very popular joint, the lines for an 8 dollar wrap that could be finished off in about four bites were so long, at one point they threatened to overtake the Starkid signing line! I mean, I know that convenience is nice, but in the time it took to stand in those lines you could have easily walked the two blocks to Burgerville and back.

9. Why did people only start making a big deal about how the kid from Iron Man 3 was there afterwards?

So there I am, sitting at home and scrawling through the leakycon tag on tumblr, when I come across all these photos of this vaguely familiar kid – I remembered briefly interacting with him at the con. And then I realized it was the kid from Iron Man 3. And no one was talking about it, tumblring about it, tweeting about it, whatever, during the con at all! Now, while this is probably a good thing, because it decreased the likelihood of the poor guy getting Starkid-style swamped, someone could have at least told me! Humph.

8. Who the fuck is Anthony Rapp?

Okay yes he did a singy acty thing once. Woo. What do you mean Rent is important? Of course it’s important – moonbases aren’t cheap, you know! Look, if he wasn’t in a movie, I really don’t think we should care. Obvious exceptions can be made for the Starkids, but that guy didn’t look nearly enough like Darren Criss for me to care. Besides, I never once heard him rapping, which is yet another example of the now-famous LeakyCon penchant for blatant false advertising (I’m looking at you, “Marginalization in Harry Potter” panel – there was not a single mention of margarine, butter, or other such delicious fat deposits to spread on your toast). And worst of all, this guy kept calling the Aperture Science Weighted Storage Cube a “companion cube” – IT DIDN’T HAVE HEARTS ON IT! IT’S NOT A COMPANION CUBE! Sheesh. Some people.

7. “Best Sound Crew Ever”?

At the end of their set, Ministry of Magic took the time to give some thanks and shout-outs, particularly mentioning the sound crew, calling them the best sound crew they had ever worked with. Which is very nice, especially since hard-working sound crews rarely get their deserved recognition, but the whole exchange came off as unintentionally humorous – what MoM didn’t know is that during “Goodbye Privet Drive”, Kristina’s mic was completely dropped for her entire verse, and only got working in time for her to say “thanks” at the end. Though to be fair, besides that one time, the sound crew did seem to be pretty fucking on point for the rest of the weekend.

6. Are rickrolls still supposed to somehow be culturally relevant or funny?

This is probably the question that will still keep me up at night, years after LeakyCon has swallowed up ComicCon and legally become the only fandom convention to exist. Alex Carpenter, what hath you wrought?

5. Where was the Supernatural fandom?

I have before talked about how I was disappointed that LeakyCon was shaping up to be less Multi-Fandom: The Con, and more SuperWhoLock + Potter: The Con, so imagine my surprise at how underrepresented Supernatural was. I mean, Supernatural is a really big fandom, and I’m sure there were plenty of Supernatural fans there, but I didn’t see a single Cas cosplay, there were no panels related to it, and as far as I remember they weren’t even mentioned in the opening ceremony. Hell, the fucking Hannibal fandom got more play at LeakyCon. I’m not necessarily complaining, I was just completely surprised.

4. What was with some of the conduct during the ball?

For the most part, the fan-celeb interaction was pretty decent, though I was particularly pleased by the moment during the video games panel when Anthony Rappy (who?) was dicking around with the connection settings on the PS3, and someone came up right behind him to snap a surprise picture and he straight-out said “Well, that was invasive”. However, things got a little hairy during the ball on Saturday night, as things usually do. For one thing, Joey Richter (who was kind of the Darren Criss of this con, given that there was no Darren Criss at this con) went out into the crowd with no escort and was immediately swamped, causing a rather amusing sight as there was just the black hole of fangirls slowly meandering around the room, writhing vaguely in beat.

Then there was the fact that it took Hank Green two hours to walk across the room, because after taking one picture with someone, a giant line formed, and either he was too nice to just stop it so he could go get a fucking drink, or Hank actually enjoyed standing in the same place for two hours like a cardboard cutout of himself. Now, it’s entirely possible that both these incidents were totally fine with the celebrities involved, but it still seemed like some people were letting their fan side get a liiiiiiiitle out of hand. Also, for some reason I wasn’t immediately recognized as a VIP guest and let inside the fancy booze corral, to which my immediate response was this.

3. Why the fuck isn’t there a number 3 on this list?

Well, there was one, and it used the word “forlorn” multiple times (for which I was very proud). But after a surprisingly long and hilarious journey, it has been removed, even after I took multiple steps to try and mitigate its negative impact on national security. For this omission, I humbly apologize.

2. How is the world “better off than it was 15 years ago”?

By far the most exciting part of the opening ceremonies was the unveiling of the new Prisoner of Azkaban cover (it is so pretty), in which some dude from Scholastic came up and talked briefly about HP’s history, and she talked about how it’s been 15 years since Harry Potter was first published in the US, and that “the world is much better off than it was 15 years ago!” Which is inspirational and a nice sentiment at all, but it wrong falsely to me. 15 years ago, our nation was sitting on a giant surplus, we were not involved in any wars or large-scale conflicts, no one had heard of Justin Beiber, the XBox One didn’t exist, Greece and half of the European Union wasn’t on the verge of bankruptcy, the internet was not being used as the largest civilian-surveillance tool in human history (with the complicit help of all the large tech and internet companies), and who the President was porking was the biggest sign of political treachery we had to deal with. The world is not better off than it was 15 years ago.

Now, given that I just spent a whole paragraph making you feel bad about pretty much everything in the world right now, you’d probably expect my number one thing that doesn’t make sense about LeakyCon being something sappy and uplifting like “the fact that it’s over” or “how such a cool and awesome experience can possibly be allowed to exist”. But alas, I am the Wrock Snob, and I aim to misbehave my goal is your nigh-unending suffering. In fact, the number one thing that didn’t make sense at LeakyCon Portland was…

1. NO SERIOUSLY, WHAT IN THE TAINT-CHAFFING, NOODLE-SLURPING, TOAST-HUMPING, FLY-SWALLOWING FUCK WAS WITH THE FUCKING CON FOOD LINES?!

EIGHT DOLLARS! EIGHT FUCKING DOLLARS FOR AN INCREDIBLY BLAND “CAESAR” CHICKEN WRAP THAT WOULDN’T KNOW CAESAR IF THE RUBICON CROSSED IT. AND THIS LINE IS SO FUCKING LONG IT STARTS WINDING AROUND AND WRAPPED ITSELF AROUND THE FUCKING STARKID LINE IT WAS AN EXCEPTIONALLY RANDY BOA CONSTRICTOR. AND THERE WERE HOT DELICIOUS RELATIVELY CHEAP BURGERS LIKE TWO FUCKING BLOCKS AWAY! DO YOU ALL JUST HATE MONEY THAT MUCH?! 4 BUCKS FOR A SODA. FOR A FUCKING SODA!! AND THAT WAS THE FUCKING MEDIUM!! HELL IT WAS ONLY TWO BRIEF MAX STOPS AWAY FROM A SNUG-HUFFLING MALL, YOU KLINGON-GROPING HORSE-HOCKERS! WHY ON EARTH WERE THE CON FOOD LINES ALWAYS THAT LONG?! THIS WASN’T FUCKING ORLANDO WHERE YOU ARE PRACTICALLY PLACED ON FUCKING HOUSE ARREST AND YOU EITHER HAVE TO BUY A THREE DOLLAR BAG OF CHIPS, GO TO A FANCY FUCKING RESTAURANT, OR PRAY TO GOD JOE IS GOING TO COME AROUND WITH FUCKING SNITCHWICHES – YOU COULD WALK ANYWHERE YOU FUCKING WANTED! HELL MOST OF YOU FROGTOGGLING SPAWNDROPPERS WALKED ALL THE FUCKING WAY TO FUCKING VOODOO AND YET I STILL SAW SOME OF YOU JIMMYSNIFFING HOGSMUGGLING CATBUTTS STANDING IN CON FOOD LINES WHILE STILL HOLDING A BIG ASS PINK VOODOO BOX!

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK YOU GUYS

what

the

fuck

😦

Advertisements

7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. voldemargo
    Jul 05, 2013 @ 15:01:40

    I lost it at number 1. Especially the Rubicon bit. You’re a hell of an act to follow, Snobby.
    -person who volunteered to write about Leaky London and will never match your magnificence.

    P.S. WHAT THE FUCK WAS UP WITH THAT FOOD. WHY WOULD yOU NOT GO TO BURGERVILLE THOSE FUCKING SHAKES OH MY GOD so good I BET THEY EVEN HAVE THE FRESH BERRY ONES RIGHT NOW. DID YOU KNOW THAT SOMETIMES THEY GIVE OUT UNICORN TATTOOS i almost murdered my three year old sister for one of those once.

    Nope. Can’t do it. You keep your throne…for now.

    Reply

  2. Sam Harris
    Jul 05, 2013 @ 18:32:13

    Anthony Rapp WAS in the Rent movie, which was an adaptation of the Broadway musical…

    Reply

  3. cristiline
    Jul 05, 2013 @ 20:43:35

    Whoa, what was the Hannibal fandom presence?

    I think maybe SPN fandom doesn’t have much of a presence because SPN fandom can be a little wankier/more adult than most of the others. I believe Leakycon does advertise itself as a family-friendly con, yes? Supernatural is rather known for having one of the most divisive fandoms (Wincest vs. Destiel! Samgirls vs. Deangirls! people who love Misha/Cas vs. people who hate Misha/Cas!). Plus, a very large portion of the fandom is focused on shipping. Pretty much all the other fandoms are largely enjoyed by people who like gen (though obviously shipping of Johnlock, Rose/Ten, etc etc does exist). It has long been viewed as the fandom wiht all the incest (though probably this effect is mitigated by the popularity of Dean/Cas on Tumblr) There are also a lot of RPF shippers. There’s just a whole lot of factors that combine to make Supernatural a fandom unlikely to be well-represented officially at LeakyCon.

    Reply

    • wrocksnob
      Jul 05, 2013 @ 21:30:27

      That makes sense, but they also are a very loud fandom, I’m just surprised they didn’t make their presence known more, regardless of how official the capacity may have been. As for the Hannibal fandom, someone put up a few “Somebody Help Will Graham” signs around the con.

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Laugh At My Lack of Updates!

July 2013
M T W T F S S
« Jun   Aug »
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031  

NUMBERS

  • 116,357 skulls fucked

Top Clicks

  • None
%d bloggers like this: